The Emotional Roller Coaster To be perfectly honest... I don't know what to say sometimes. There is a whole wave of emotions that goes through me when I think or talk about my arthritis. I love writing, and talking, but when it comes to this, I am at a loss. I know it's kind of a cliche, but it's true. Along with the pain, there are both positive and negative emotions. In a nutshell, having arthritis sucks. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I am not a "normal" person. I try to run and exercise, but I refuse to do it when others are present because I know I would feel embarrassed that I couldn't keep up with them. This way of thinking makes it hard for me to open up about these kind of things. Sometimes I feel useless. When I try to help lifting something heavy and I can't because of my wrists. Or when I'm out volunteering and I have to sit down because my legs hurt too much, but everyone else around me keeps working. Or just when I am absent from school for a while due to a flare up, I try to keep up with the work, but it is just too hard to write or even focus. I don't like feeling lazy, or feeling like I'm letting everyone down. But I do. Then other times it is a total blessing. I feel like I can accomplish anything because of this one big mountain I have had to climb. These days are the best. I get the most stuff done and it just makes me feel tons better. Then I'm angry that I have to deal with this "curse." Which it is. Having to change the entire way you do something or being a burden on the ones I love because they have to take care of me and watch me suffer. It is a real downer. I don't feel like enough for anything. Then I'm happy that I can help others in any way that I can. I am glad that I have a amazing support system. That I am strong enough to deal with it and anything else thrown my way. Some may classify this as being bipolar or whatever, but that's not true. Just like with my body, my emotions have highs and lows. You learn to deal with it. Mind over matter. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I am worth something. i am finding a way to help others, and myself. And I won't stop. Some people say I need to slow down, rest, and take it easy. But I won't. Because when I slow down and rest, I am not doing all the good I possibly can. So I keep on moving to the music in me. I will keep moving until I am either dead or in a wheel chair, whichever comes first. Helping to deal with it I really wish I had someone who understood my pain from the beginning. But for the longest time I felt so alone. I knew I wasn't alone, but nobody understood my struggle. Nobody at school though I was telling the truth since they never saw me at my worst. And I couldn't describe how I felt. I was so low and borderline depressed. I would break down occasionally (not very often) in that whole "why me?" thing. I was never normal. Dealing with the pain is one thing. You can give us pain meds and carefully massage our joints or just sit there and keep us company. But it all just felt so impersonal to me. Then in 2013 I went to my first arthritis conference. I got to spend four amazing days with the best people i have ever met. And they understood me. back - (Page 12) - next